to feel not good enough.
Being on dial-up, once I bother to wait for something I like to load on YouTube I leave it up for awhile and enjoy it. (I have White and Nerdy up for about a week) Currently I have up Sarah McLachlan and Josh Groban singing In the Arms of the Angels, for some reason the early part of the song, especially the line, "there is always some reason to feel not good enough" are spending a lot of time in my head, niggling my brain and wanting to be heard.
Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm ready for summer, so I can have a break. Everyday I drive the kids to school, its 10 miles to school, and children have to be gotten to the car in a way similar to rounding up a herd of cattle. Then there is the ebb and flow of the traffic at school. And despite watching it for an entire year I'm still surprised, shocked, and irritated at the way some parents drive on the school grounds.(Yes Mrs BrownieLeaderSpeedDemon , I mean you, 35mph in a grade school parking lot is unacceptable) And so the whole adventure, takes an hour minimum. and normally there is an AM trip and a PM trip. 40 miles a day. In my battered and beat Blazer that is about $10 worth of gas per day.
Maybe our financial woes are part of my negativity. We are currently paying off the credit cards we foolishly ran up in our earlier lives, While we are getting ahead on those debts, we are still behind routinely on our other bills, they get paid they just don't get paid on time. It is frustrating, It feels like we are filling the holes we have by digging new holes. And just like if we dug actual holes in our yard filling the old hole with dirt we take from a new spot making a new hole, we can eventually even things out .. sort of.. but the yard, or our credit will never be the same. We have been caught in this cycle for awhile. Almost 5 years now. We could be out of this cycle if we had not gone into business with a big talker who robbed us blind. Ah well, live and learn.
The frustration with never getting ahead comes and goes. I guess for now it has come.